In a few weeks I will turn 50. There is something about that number. The realization that more than half of my life may be over is somewhat daunting. It makes you take a look at what you’ve done with all that time that seems to have slipped away from you in a blink of an eye. Have I made my life count? Have I loved enough? Have I forgiven enough? You look back and see your life like a movie, because in a sense, it is. It had a start, struggles, victories and long last, love. I am the author of this book and I have control over more than I think sometimes.
At one of my lowest points, filled with worry, my friend gently reminded me that I was disconnected from source. It was her way of saying that I was carrying the weight of the world and was full of worry instead of trusting in God. I had taken my eyes off of Him and thought I could do things on my own, and in the process, seemed to have made a mess of things while thinking the whole time that I was doing what was best. That phrase “you’re disconnected from source” seemed to snap me out of my pride and fear instantly. Whatever the world wants to call it: energy, source, God, Budah, the law of attraction, the Holy Spirit; it’s all the same to me. I recognize it and feel it everywhere.
The last few years I have really trained myself to be a lot more calm internally and to be still and just know that things have a way of working out. a knowing that deep within me resides the one who created me and everything internal and external holds clue’s as to what I need to do…or not do.
For my 50th I’ve decided to get this tatoo of the hummingbird as a symbol and a reminder that I carry within me every strength I need to get through anything. It reminds me that through a cancer diagnosis, and treatment, that God was right there with me. Through the surgeries and the many times I layed on that table and took radiation with a tear rolling down my cheek I could feel a hand on my right shoulder calming me. “Just be still Dori, don’t cry..you’ll get through this.” Every time I walked in that place anger would rise up in me. I didn’t want to make small talk. I didn’t want to see the other patients that were in way worse condition than me. All I wanted to know was why? Why me?
“Lord as I close my eyes and the technicians go behind that glass to protect themselves, I know you are here protecting me no matter what the results.” So many emotions during that time that have gone unsaid because I just knew I needed to be strong and that my body would follow my mind. That is what I believe, so I did what I had to do.
I look back and I am calm, peaceful. I had a wonderful man who bent over backwards to make sure I was rested and cared for who has sinse become my husband and one of my greatest treasures. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to have another birthday when so many have not. The experience has changed me in many ways but most of all it has refined me and for that I am thankful.
Be still and know.